When someone loses a loved one, it can be hard to communicate with them or say things to uplift their mood. This is something we should accept – we cannot say anything that will make them feel instantly better. Notwithstanding, we can show them love, care, and support by what we say to them which can ease the pain they must be feeling.
In this article, I have outlined and explained 10 things to ask someone after a funeral. These are questions designed to help you connect with the bereaved and assist them in whatever way you can.
How Are You Holding Up This Time?
One of the foremost advice to give to anyone in my opinion when they are thinking of what to say to someone after a funeral or what to ask someone after they just buried a deceased person is to never ask them how they are feeling.
It is easy to discern that they’ll be feeling devastated, lonely, scared, angry, sad, and any other thing you can think of. So, there’s no point asking them how they are feeling instead I’d rather you ask them how are they holding up during the trying time.
The death of a loved one is going to impact the emotional state of anyone, especially if they are connected to the person in a deep sense. You know how humans are wired to be dependent on each other and once the person who has been a pillar and source of hope for someone dies, the dependent individual has to start looking for ways to go through life knowing they wouldn’t be there to support them.
This is why it is better to ask them how they are holding up rather than how they are feeling. Even if they want to answer your query, they may not know exactly how they feel or how to put words to the way they are feeling. Save them the burden of expressing how they feel by asking them how they are holding up instead.
Is It Okay If I Reach Out To You As Often As I Can?
Another question that you can ask somebody after a funeral is to inquire if you could reach out to them as often as you can. The idea of reaching out to them as often as you can is to find out if they’ll be comfortable with you either calling frequently or not calling at all.
There are two important things to note when you are asking a question like this, if the person who is the deceased is or was a spouse you might not want to use this question because it may look like you’re trying to flirt with the grieving individual.
Also, you need to know that not everyone would want to hear from others trying to console them. So if your idea of reaching out was to only comfort them, they may not be comfortable with it. In addition, you may be disrupting their healing process by always calling to console them. If you must use this example, you should be able to start conversations and get them going effortlessly without making any undue reference to their grieving situation and whatnot.
Would You Tell Me About Benjamin?
This example is deeper than it looks. While you may assume that it is just about trying to know who the deceased person is, this question attempts to not just know about the person who just died but to address something we’ve had going on for a long time. That thing is our desire to not mention the names of the deceased persons when we talk about them. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with referring to the dead person by their name. Some persons who have lost a dear one are even angry when it feels like people are too scared to mention the name of the person they’ve just buried. It is fine to mention their names when you ask about them aside from asking about their personality in this example you can also ask questions like:
- Is there anything you loved about Nate?
- Was there something that fascinated you about Nate’s personality?
This idea can come in handy when you are given the go-ahead to call them frequently or stay in touch. It is not necessarily a question to ask just after the funeral. I mean just after they’ve been laid to rest.
What’s Your Favorite Memory Together?
Another way you can get a conversation going with someone who just buried a loved one is to ask them about their favorite memory with the person. This is not a question to ask them right after the burial. You would need to wait a little while and in the days that follow, the opportunity would present itself.
If you are familiar with a person or you had any interaction with them before they died, you could start the conversation with your favorite memory of the person while you try to engage them. After narrating what memory of them you cherish, you can then ask them what they’d say was their favorite memory together.
You might be wondering if this is a good way to talk to the person, especially with the idea of triggering memories. Frankly, you can’t be sure how they will respond to a question like this but then people like to talk about their loved ones who just died especially if you are conditioning them to think about some of the best moments together.
Would It Be Okay If I Came Around To Stay With The Family?
Another question you can ask somebody when they just buried their loved one is “Would it be okay if I came around to stay with the family?”
I remember when I lost my godmother in 2019. Some people would decide to take time out of their busy schedules to spend time with us. They’ll typically come to help us cook, join us in doing house chores, and many other things.
If you think that you can support them either by coming to babysit the kids, helping them go get groceries, joining them in family activities, and all, it is going to go a long way in helping them through that period.
Another point to note in this idea is that it does not vaguely ask what can I do to help. A lot of times people make the mistake of asking someone grieving what they can do to help and in most cases, the person is too sad to think of something to ask them to do or to burden them with something. So instead of asking somebody what you can do to help, ask them something specific.
What Burden Did He/She Leave Behind? Is There A Way I Can Fill It Up?
This is another question you can ask somebody after a funeral. Your delivery and timing are of the essence because like one of the examples I gave this question could be flirty. At face value, it looks like a good question. When somebody dies we don’t just feel the pain of their absence we feel the gap they left either because they were a pillar to depend on a shoulder to cry on or a financial support system.
Like the time I lost my godmother, it was a terrible period because she was the breadwinner of the family. Her death meant we were going to go through a rough financial stitch and it happened because our family was thrown into an unprecedented era of financial downtowns. A couple of family friends saw the need to support us financially because some of them asked after the funeral what she did or what we felt we missed most about her.
It helped ease the pain of losing her because most of the things we looked to her to help us do, other people were getting it done for us. So asking someone who is bereaved what the departed person did or what responsibility they handled and how you can help fill that void a bit is going to show them the support they need for that period.
Was Thinking About You Yesterday. I Can’t Imagine How You Must Be Feeling. Can We Go Out Sometime?
One of the biggest mistakes people make when they’re trying to console somebody after a loss is to make them believe that doing something is going to fast forward the process of healing or get them healed immediately. This is hardly ever the case. Nobody controls the timeline for healing. Everybody heals at their own pace and we must be willing to understand that people will heal differently from us. What this means is that you should never ask somebody to do something because you believe it is going to make them heal.
At best, you can suggest to them that they should try out something not because it is going to heal them but because they need it and that’s what this example does. It recommends going out and not as a way to make them heal but as something they should just do.
This example is something partners should use more instead of telling their spouse or girlfriend to go out to the gym, take a walk in the park, or go to therapy because they want them to heal. You can suggest things that both of you can do and make it look like it is a couple affair meanwhile the original intent is to help them heal.
This is not restricted to just going out, it could be anything that you know they love doing or that you are sure is going to help them take their minds off the loss for a moment and fast-track their healing process.
Is There Any Official Task You’ll Need Me To Handle In Your Absence?
If the person is a coworker or a boss at work, you could ask them if there are any official tasks they’d like you to handle. You may want to do this as you take your leave from the funeral service or wait till the next morning before calling in to ask them for that. This will show how intentional you are about supporting them.
Is There Any Financial Implication That The Funeral Must Have Warranted? I Don’t Mind Contributing To Ease The Burden
In certain quarters, a funeral could be quite expensive. From planning to execution to entertaining guests who come to the house to console the bereaved, several financial implications could come with a funeral. So it’s not out of place to ask a question like this. Let the family or the person know that you would be willing to support them financially just to cover for the cost of what the most have done to ensure the funeral is held.
Should I Get You A Cup Of Coffee?
The idea of this question to ask after a funeral is not streamlined to coffee alone. The goal is to render an act of service to the person who is grieving. I use the cup of coffee to illustrate the idea. If the person is a coffee person, you could ask to help them make coffee while at their home just after the funeral. Otherwise, you may have to find out what exactly the person would like and ask if you could help them get it done. It could be a hot bath, getting groceries from the store, and much more.
Final Thoughts
Is important to know that a funeral does not take away the pain the person must be feeling over the deceased person hence there are a few things that are critical for anyone trying to converse with somebody who just lost a dear one.
Be a listening ear, support them in any way possible, and be empathetic. Don’t try to force them to talk if they aren’t willing. Sometimes people just want to be in their zone after they lose a loved one. Respect their decision.
