50 Funny Ways to Say Not a Chance in Hell

Not a (snowball) chance in hell, is an idiomatic phrase that means that there’s a zero percent possibility of something happening or succeeding.

Because it is regarded as a negative statement, it’s important that you know how to communicate the same message but in a funny way.

This article provides 50 funny phrases to say that a project, relationship, or plan isn’t going to succeed. I am certain that you’ll stand a chance of not sounding annoying or bitter when telling someone a negative statement like this.

The examples will guide you on how the phrases can be put to use in a sentence.

50 Hilarious Ways To Say Not A Chance In Hell

1. That’s happening in your dreams.
2. Not in this lifetime.
3. Snowball’s chance in heaven.
4. Better luck finding a needle in what is called a haystack.
5. I’d rather fill up a basket with water.
6. When cats learn to bark.
7. There’s a higher chance, walking on water.
8. Goodluck seeing Bigfoot first.
9. I’d bet my entire life earning on it.
10. Only if the sun rises in the North.
11. You’d have better luck juggling knives blindfolded.
12. Not even if you paid me in gold.
13. I’d rather watch paint dry.
14. About as likely as resurrecting from the dead.
15. Not happening, not every wish comes true.
16. I would rather try to move Mount Everest.
17. When snakes start walking.
18. I’d sooner eat a shoe.
19. That’s like trying to count every strand of your hair.
20. Only if you can breathe underwater.
21. I’d sooner win a staring contest with a statue.
22. About as likely as my bald head growing hair.
23. Maybe when the moon turns to cheese.
24. “Never” is an understatement.
25. You have a better chance of surviving without oxygen.
26. Not if humans start flying.
27. That’s like expecting the ocean to dry up.
28. I’d rather teach my toddler algebra.
29. About as likely as me sprouting wings.
30. Not in a million years.
31. I’d rather swim with sharks.
32. You’d have better luck taming a tornado.
33. As likely as me becoming a fish.
34. When the stars align perfectly… and that’s still a maybe.
35. I’m likely to grow a third leg before that happens.
36. Figuring out how to never get hungry is more possible.
37. I’d rather try to outrun a horse.
38. As likely as finding the sum total of the amount of stars in the sky.
39. Over your dead body.
40. I’d sooner build a house out of pencils.
41. A hippopotamus is likely to fit a can.
42. Only if time travel becomes real.
43. As likely as me drinking acid.
44. Maybe when there are 8 days that make a week.
45. You’re certainly Joseph the dreamer.
46. Not even if you had money that can’t be counted.
47. I have more hope in a man growing boobs.
48. I’d better believe that you are losing it.
49. When hell becomes cold, I’d believe.
50. Not a chance then, now, later, and even after death

That’s happening in your dreams

A funny way to say ‘not a chance in hell’ is by using this phrase which means that the scenario is so unrealistic that it can only occur in a dream, not in reality.

We all know dreams are often irrational, which means this idea is too far-fetched to be real.

Example: 

• That’s happening in your dreams, so keep dreaming.

Not in this lifetime

If you want to say a big fat ‘no’ to someone, you can say it in a funny way using this phrase.

The phrase implies not only impossibility but also timelessness, indicating you’d have to wait beyond your lifespan for this to occur.

Example: 

• Not in this lifetime, am I going to agree to split the bill.

Snowball’s chance in heaven

The use of a snowball in heaven is ironic, making the impossibility both amusing and light-hearted.

Example: 

• Snowball chance in heaven, don’t tempt me to say hell.

Better luck finding a needle in what is called a haystack

This hilarious phrase paints a picture of frustration, as it would take an extraordinary amount of time and effort to achieve something so unusual.

I’m sure whoever you’re addressing would find this very funny.

Example:

• Getting married to you is like finding a needle in what is called a haystack.

I’d rather fill up a basket with water

It’s obvious that it’s impossible to fill up a basket with water because of the holes in it which would make the water drench out of it.

Share this with your friends and see what their reaction looks like.

Example:

• I’d rather fill up a basket with water than go out with that guy/girl.

When cats learn to bark

The humor comes from the zero chance of cats, known for meowing, ever barking, highlighting the impossibility of the situation.

It is a good way to let someone down easily and still get them to smile about it.

Example:

• Maybe when cats learn how to bark, I might follow you to where you’re going.

There’s a higher chance, walking on water

Walking on water is a miraculous, impossible feat for humans, and comparing it to this situation adds a layer of humor which is perfect to say “not a chance in hell.”

Example: 

• There’s a higher chance of walking on water than you passing that exam.

Goodluck seeing Bigfoot first

‘Bigfoot’ has always been a mythical story which some people believe is real and some don’t.

The idea of chasing or encountering a creature like Bigfoot, which is often the subject of funny folklore.

Example:

• If you are trying to win the prize, you have better luck seeing Bigfoot my dear.

I’d bet my entire life earning on it

“I’d bet my entire life savings on it” is a funny phrase that exaggerates how impossible the situation is by involving one’s life savings, something nobody would typically gamble in a reckless way.

Perhaps you want to jokingly let your friend or rival in school or at work know that they don’t stand a chance, this phrase will do just that.

Example: 

• I’d bet my entire life earning on it, and I hope you know it’s not going to work out.

Only if the sun rises in the North

Nothing highlights comic relief than metaphors (figures of speech).

The humor comes from how unchangeable natural phenomena like the sun’s path are, making this comparison exaggerated.

Example: 

• The sun has to rise in the North and set in the East for that to happen.

You’d have better luck juggling knives blindfolded

You might be in a word banter with your friend that you refuse to do a certain task for, this would be a lighthearted phrase to make them understand that you’re not interested or don’t believe what he or she is saying.

Example: 

• You really want to start working there? You’d have better luck juggling knives blindfolded.

Not even if you paid me in gold

‘Not a chance in hell’ can be said in a funny way by exaggerating that even the most valuable incentive imaginable (gold) would still not be enough to make this possible, just like in this funny phrase.

Example: 

• Not even if you paid me in gold would I settle for an egghead like him.

I’d rather watch paint dry

Watching paint dry is known to be dull, and saying you’d prefer that implies how little you believe in or want the other event.

It is a great and funny way to say that you’ll pass on a task, assignment or activity.

Example: 

• Suddenly, watching paint dry seems more possible for me than attending that event looking like this.

About as likely as resurrecting from the dead

“About as likely as resurrecting from the dead” is a dark but funny comparison, which means that something considered impossible, like resurrection, is on the same level as whatever task or event is in the context.

Let’s see how it can be used in a sentence.

Example:

• Having me smile at your nonsense is about as likely as resurrecting from the dead.

Not happening, not every wish comes true

“Not happening, not every wish comes true,” is a funny alternative whose humor comes from the gentle, almost parental reminder that some things are just wishful thinking.

Example: 

• Not every wish comes true so it’s not happening.

I would rather try to move Mount Everest

The comparison to moving an entire mountain makes the original task seem impossible in comparison and it makes it a lighthearted way to say ‘not a chance in hell.’

While texting your friend, phrases like this can come in handy to create laughter.

Example:

• I think I have better luck trying to move Mount Everest than convincing her to stay.

When snakes start walking

This is another funny way to say ‘not a chance in hell.’ What it means is that the event is as unlikely as snakes suddenly developing legs and walking.

Example:

• Snakes would have to start walking if she’s going to get the job done.

I’d sooner eat a shoe

The idea of eating a shoe is so ridiculous and unpleasant that it highlights just how absurd the original scenario is.

Perhaps you were told to eat something disgusting or to go somewhere frightening. This is a funny response to say ‘not a chance in hell.’

Example: 

• I’d sooner eat a shoe girlfriend, that’s the most frightening place to go to.

That’s like trying to count every strand of your hair

The humorous image of someone painstakingly counting hair strands is both tedious and bizarre.

So if you have someone pressuring you to do something tedious, you can jokingly use this phrase to express your displeasure.

Example:

• You want me to mop the floor, that’s like trying to count every strand of your hair.

Only if you can breathe underwater

It’s not rocket science to know that humans can not breathe under water which makes this phrase funny.

Likening the impossible task to a fantastical scenario, where the laws of biology are turned upside down is a clear indication that you’re being playful.

Example:

• Only if you can breathe underwater before you stand a chance with that kind of person.

I’d sooner win a staring contest with a statue

Similarly, ‘I’d sooner win a staring contest with a statue’  is a lighthearted way to say that you are not in for something.

Staring at a statue, which will of course never blink, is both silly and fun and a good fit for any context you’re in.

Example:

• I’d sooner win a staring contest because that’s more hopeful than waiting for this man all day.

About as likely as my bald head growing hair

“Bald” means a place or surface that grows no hair. And in this phrase it is used as a comic relief.

The comparison to a seemingly irreversible condition like baldness makes the scenario sound unlikely to happen.

Example: 

• Rain falling today is about as likely as my bald head growing hair.

Maybe when the moon turns to cheese

“Maybe when the moon turns to cheese” refers to the weird view of the moon being made of cheese, implying that the event is as unlikely as this mythical transformation.

This would be a good fit for a younger group, like toddlers to make them laugh as the choice of words are relatable and simple.

Example: 

• I’ll come out to watch the game maybe when the moon turns to cheese.

“Never” is an understatement

The situation is so impossible that even “never” doesn’t fully capture how unlikely it is.

So, let’s say someone asked you if you would like to run a marathon and would rather not, you can say this type of phrase to make light of the situation.

Example: 

• ‘Never’ is an understatement of a response to that question you just asked me sir.

You have a better chance of surviving without oxygen

Oxygen is an essential part of human life which describes the degree at which there’s no chance of the event, task or incident happening.

The impossibility of surviving without oxygen is so extreme that it makes the situation laughable.

Example: 

• You really want to face that crowd in this state? You have a better chance of surviving without oxygen.

Not if humans start flying

“Not if humans start flying” implies that the possibility of an event taking place would only happen if humans suddenly developed the ability to fly, which is physically impossible.

Adding some gestures where you’re flapping your hands like they are wings would make the phrase more hilarious.

Example:

• Humans have to start flying for us to be able to make it there on time.

That’s like expecting the ocean to dry up

There hasn’t been a report that an ocean has ever dried up and it never will. This is why it is a perfectly funny phrase to say  ‘not a chance in hell.’

The sheer scale of the ocean compared to the task at hand (a project, house chore or assignment) emphasizes just how ridiculous the suggestion that your friend or family member could have made.

Example:

• Wait a minute, you want me to go out and look for her? That’s like expecting the ocean to dry up.

I’d rather teach my toddler algebra

Who would want to teach a toddler algebra?

Well, whatever you might have been asked to do by your colleague at work, your parents or partner could make you jokingly decline the request with this phrase.

Example:

• I’d rather teach my toddler how to differentiate in further mathematics than help you clean that dirty bathroom.

About as likely as me sprouting wings

Humans can’t grow wings, so the phrase suggests the scenario is as impossible as a human suddenly sprouting wings like a bird.

Maybe when you want to turn down an offer in a funny way, you can say to the person (your acquaintance, close relative) that you think that humans growing wings is more likely.

Example:

• I wish that you knew that eating meat is about as likely as me sprouting wings.

Not in a million years

The exaggeration of the time frame emphasizes how unrealistic the situation is.

It uses a span so vast that it almost becomes comical because nothing human lasts that long.

Example:

• Not in a million years will I ever allow you to touch my child. I hope you understand that.

I’d rather swim with sharks

Swimming with sharks is a dangerous, irrational activity for most people, and this phrase implies that you would prefer such a dangerous act over something you view as impossible.

Since the statement itself is bold and dramatic you can also be dramatic with your gestures.

Example:

• She told me that she’d rather swim with sharks than be available at the event.

You’d have better luck taming a tornado

Tornadoes are uncontrollable, destructive forces of nature, so the phrase highlights the task at hand is as impossible as trying to tame or control one.

Saying “not a chance” in a funny way, just got easier through this phrase.

Example:

• You’d have better luck taming a tornado than putting that baby to sleep.

As likely as me becoming a fish

This hilarious way of saying “not a chance” compares the unlikelihood of the event to the equally impossible transformation of a human into a fish.

A good comic tone will help set this phrase to a whole new level of sarcasm.

Example:

• I might just settle for being a fish rather than a maid to you in this house.

When the stars align perfectly… and that’s still a maybe

This funny phrase means that even in the rarest, most perfect cosmic conditions (the stars aligning), the event still might not happen.

So next time, a guy or girl who likes you but the feeling is not mutual disturbs you again, this phrase will align perfectly.

Example:

• I’ll go out with you when the stars align perfectly… and that’s still a maybe.

I’m likely to grow a third leg before that happens

When it comes to biology, growing a third leg is impossible for a human being because it’s not normal.

Instead of just getting frustrated with the situation of having to reject a deal or offer you can add in some humor with this phrase.

Example:

• I hate to break it to you but I’m likely to grow a third leg before John finds me in this house.

Figuring out how to never get hungry is more possible

Another funny way to jokingly say “not a chance in hell” is this phrase.

Finding a solution to never feeling hunger, an impossible feat, is more plausible than the event which could be anything depending on your situation.

Example:

• That task is super hard and figuring out how to never get hungry is more possible.

I’d rather try to outrun a horse

Humans can’t outrun horses, and the idea of someone attempting such a futile task adds comic relief.

Now you don’t have to struggle with funny phrases to come up with to relieve the stress while at work or on a job with your friend or partner.

Example:

• After thinking about how much work we would have to put into this work I’d rather try to outrun a horse.

As likely as finding the sum total of the amount of stars in the sky

Counting every star in the universe is not even possible. Making the comparison between this and the situation a clear statement of its futility.

Share this phrase with your friends and see which one they find more usable.

Example:

• As likely as finding the sum total of the amount of stars in the sky is how possible the woman’s going to get a divorce.

Over your dead body

It’s important to make sure that your comic tone is on point so as not to be offensive or negative.

It’s a classic expression of defiance, but its finality (death) adds a darkly humorous edge to it.

Example:

• You want to have this championship? Over your dead body.

I’d sooner build a house out of pencils

Building a sound house out of fragile pencils is not possible and unnecessary.

Maybe your younger siblings or cousins want something that you cannot give, you can tell them ‘not in a chance in hell’ in this funny way.

Example:

• I’d sooner build a house out of pencil, than give you that cupcake without finishing up your homework.

A hippopotamus is likely to fit a can

With how huge a hippopotamus is, there’s no chance in hell that it can fit into a can, which is the entire point of this funny phrase.

The exaggeration of a huge animal fitting into a tiny space is comical and emphasizes the impossibility of the situation.

Example:

• You really think that he is going to take her back? A hippopotamus is likely to fit a can.

Only if time travel becomes real.

Since time travel is not possible, it is clear to see that this funny phrase implies that the event is so unlikely it would only happen under impossible conditions.

Maybe you’re talking to someone who has interest in science, you can use this kind of phrase so that they can understand the joke better and laugh to the fullest.

Example:

• She can only win the competition only if time travel becomes real

As likely as me drinking acid

No one in their right mind would drink acid which creates a form of exaggeration as to the possibility of the event taking place.

The figure of speech disguised in dark humor lies in the shock factor, as drinking acid is so harmful.

Example:

• As likely as me drinking acid, is just the same as her writing anything good about me on social media.

Maybe when there are 8 days that makes a week

A week will always have seven days, so this phrase suggests that the event is as impossible as altering the structure of time.

Having to alternate time just for something to happen shows that it can’t happen which makes this expression a funny one.

Example:

• I might like her maybe when there are 8 days that make a week.

You’re certainly Joseph the dreamer

“You’re certainly Joseph the dreamer” refers to the biblical character Joseph, known for his prophetic dreams, implying that the idea is nothing more than a fantasy.

It funnily calls the person you’re referring to a dreamer, comparing their unrealistic hopes to a story from the Bible, adding a playful twist.

Example:

• You’re certainly Joseph the dreamer if you keep saying things like that.

Not even if you had money that can’t be counted

The idea of someone having so much money it’s uncountable is already exaggerated, but the phrase pushes it further by saying even that level of wealth wouldn’t make the situation possible.

This funny phrase would be suitable for a situation where someone was trying to bribe you with money or anything of value.

Example:

• I am telling you that you can’t get me to do anything, not even if you have money that can’t be counted.

I have more hope in a man growing boobs

The choice of words for this phrase makes it a funny one. Since it can only be a woman that can biologically grow boobs, it shows how impossible the situation is.

Below is an illustration of how you can include this funny phrase in a regular sentence.

Example:

• I believe they can grow boobs more than the chances of their marriage lasting two years.

I’d better believe that you are losing it.

If you’re in a situation where you feel like whoever you’re in a conversation with (relative, friends, etc.) is saying absurd things, you can respond with this phrase but you have to be careful with your tone of voice.

Example:

• You must be losing it for you to think that about me. Wake up!

When hell becomes cold, I’d believe

In addition “when hell becomes cold, I’d believe”  is a funny phrase to mean that a person does not stand a chance.

A frozen hell is both ironic and hilarious because it flips a well-known concept on its head to emphasize improbability.

Example:

• Hell has to become cold before she would agree to go to prom with me.

Not a chance then, now, later and even after death

“Not a chance then, now, later, and even after death,”  is a phrase that stretches impossibility across all of time—past, present, future, and even after death.

Take a look at how it is used in this context just so it could be easy to make use of.

Example:

• You can’t wife someone like me. You had no chance then, now, later, and even after death.