Humor is a good way to get a conversation started. If you are picking up the phone, depending on the person over the phone, beginning with a funny catchphrase or a joke can get the conversation going in the absolute best direction.
There are friends whose calls we pick with so much enthusiasm that the jokes just start coming out from the get-go. If this does not come naturally to you, there is no need to worry.
In this article, I have highlighted 100 funny ways to answer the phone that will resonate with anyone that’s calling from friends to parents to siblings to acquaintances and more. You can use this whether you are picking up the phone or if you called someone and they took the call.
100 Funny Ways to Answer the Phone
When someone calls you and you would like the conversation, to begin with:
- The audacity that makes you believe you could pick your phone at any time to call me is ridiculous. I am amazed and in awe. Anyways, why have you called me at such a time as this?
- Go for glory, oops, go for John
- You have reached the coolest person on earth but the problem is there is so much heat in the world that I am losing my coolness. Anyways, that’s that about me, what’s up?
- Oh peasant, to what do I owe this unsolicited intrusion into my privacy and at such an unpleasant time. Speak or forever hold your peace
- Well well well, what do we have here? Our first caller for the day and it happens to be a nasty, obnoxious individual. Start talking already.
- You called just at the right time, I have been arrested for murder and I was asked to call someone to stand as a witness for me. I was still thinking of who to call just before you called. Can you meet me at the police station right now?… well, I was just joking
- 911 and you better have a problem, a serious emergency, otherwise you will be barred from calling this number
- It had better be money you intend to wire cause that has to be the only reason you will want to run my battery down with your calls
- Thanks for calling the city’s morgue. We are committed to carefully slabbing anyone you’ve stabbed. So, where’s the location and how would you like us to do the pickup?
- Joe’s Pizza but we don’t do Chinese here and before you ask what we do, you need to understand we are secret service agents so we don’t do disclosures.
- International Agency for the Cure and Deliverance of People with Wrong Call Timing Disorder, how may I assist you this good and auspicious time?
- I hope you disposed off the body as discreetly as I warned. I would not want any traces and best believe I am going to deny any connections to you when the police find out.
- Headshot Kills Grills, you kill em and we grill em.
- Chole’s Bait, Tackle, and Lingerie Stores for everything stimulating and mildly violent. Place an order and you get a free delivery right now
- We finally have a caller. Go ahead mate. You are on air and more than 10 million people are listening to hear what you have to say on the matter
- Thank you for calling Armando’s Dildo Supermarket and Emporium. We just got new stocks in all sizes and shapes. How may we serve you today?
- On behalf of the International House of Assassins, let us know who has double-crossed you and you’ll like eliminated
- Thank you for calling and your next statement determines if this call will last a second longer or I might decline your call in earnest
- This is the fraud unit of the Sheriff’s department. I expect you have a case to inform us of. Share the details and we’ll proceed immediately
- Yes, I’d like to have pizza. Give me the special pepperoni pizza and add some burgers to the order. That will be all, thanks.
- What in the name of Greek gods and intimate relationships with women do you want from me right now?
- Thanks for calling Nutty’s Sperm Bank where we use donations to do good in the world.
- You should not be calling this number so how in God’s holy earth did you get it?
- Hello, the person you wanted to speak with is actually under investigation for murder and you seem to know each other really well. What’s your relationship with them?
- I own this phone, well, let’s say I just acquired it and if you were hoping to talk to the previous owner, I am sorry that won’t be happening anytime soon
- Just got a Ferrari P4/5 by Pininfarina and it is the only unit that was ever made. Do you want to talk about my future acquisition or there’s something else?
- (Away from the phone but loud enough for the caller to hear) Do not try to let the hostages slip out of your hands again… (On the phone) Yes, I am a tard engaged right now, can we do this later?
- This is technical support and you have called to report a problem with your computer more times than we normally get. Should I be scared right now?
- If you have a complaint, we will have to forward you to the complaints division so that you can take the matter up with them. (Make sure there is no complaints division or anything related)
- Joe’s BBQ, you must be really hungry to be calling us at this time of the day. What will your order be?
- Hi sorry, I am not in the mood to talk right now, so after the tone, please leave a message. (wait three seconds and say: Beep)
- Perfect timing. The hit you ordered has been carried out. I’ll be standing by for further instructions
- Whatever it is that made you call me better be important else you’ll hear my screams in your sleep every night for the next 10 years
- What is it? Haven’t you done enough? All of the pain, the suffering, and the torment. Yet, you still decide to call me
- Thank you for calling Hell Fire, would you want to book an appointment or staycation? We are even open for rentals and accommodation.
- You are about to exhaust your free access to talking to me. Soon, this privilege will be paid access. So, enjoy it while it lasts
- This is the circus, what clown would you like to reach?
- This is the ultimate pizza parlor. We are running an amazing special today: buy one and get none instantly
- You have problems, I do not have solutions but speak anyways
- Until you’ve zapped out life from me, never stop calling
- I am in a meeting with my ancestors, can we be brief?
- Hi, (Your name) isn’t available so this is the refrigerator on the line
- Hello, and umm goodbye
- This is Dr Scwalz and you must be the lady for the abortion, right?
- Stop calling me, the job’s done already
- Yella, what’s pomping?
- How do you want to get hurt today?
- You are paying for the call so you might as well get on talking
- Talk to me. You’ve got three seconds, Go.
- If you wanted to speak to Batman, he’s not present but I am batboy, so, how can the Bat family help you?
- I plead the fifth right now as I am not ready to talk
- Three words to identify yourself
- (Your name) picked up the phone, even though with some hesitation, he/she did anyway
- You called, I answered. What follows?
- Some people will go to Heaven while others will go to Hell-oooo
- Don’t have anyone to talk to? I know
- I am not as jobless as you are but I can still take your calls
- This better be interesting
- This is the 900th time you have called me this month. Your bundle will soon be exhausted
- Shoot but leave no traces
- Good person, bad timing.
- Have a problem? I can’t solve it
- Good morning and welcome to First Fifth Bank of the Fourth Second
- From all of us at the land of the ghosts, we welcome you
- I have no money. Since that’s out of the way, what do you want?
- Hello, you’ve reached the Devil. What in Hell do you want?
- The number you are calling does not exist. Hang up the phone and remove the last digit to reach who you want to talk with
- You’ve reached (Your Name). Quite unfortunately, i am very available to talk
- For the love of God, you could text, you know?
- I know I said you were my distraction but you are taking it in a very literal sense
- Hello, is this the person who wants to call me?
- Just a moment while I listen to what you called me to say
- Hi, what if our brains were our asses and asses brains?
- You’ve managed to reach the direct phone line of the POTUS. Make it worth it
- There are a lot of things you want to say and I have an ear to hear them all.
- To what do I owe this disturbance?
- Why hast thou chosen to be a thorn in my flesh, this dude?
- I have too many favors to give. Except you aren’t calling for one, we might as well not talk
- I believe i am the one you wanted to speak with
- Congrats, you are through to who you will like to talk to
- Should I be asking who it is you want to speak with or you want to get on with it?
- Halt, take a step forward, look up, look ahead, take another step, now speak.
- If you want to speak to (Mention a name that’s not yours), then go ahead. Otherwise, you have the wrong person
- Call’s been monitored so be careful with the things you say
- You are a hard person to reach. Since you’ve finally called, when are you paying the $17,980 you borrowed from us?
- Except there is a zombie apocalypse, you shouldn’t be calling this number
- Hi, press one to be a millionaire, press two to get kicked out, and press three to speak to (Your name)
- If you are a telemarketer, don’t waste our time. The answer is No
- Can you speak fast? I am currently chasing the bag
- Not sure you intend to speak to me. Who should I forward your call to?
- This is a pre-recorded message: the person you want to speak to also wants to speak to you
- Yello, you have 30 seconds to state your mission
- This is a classified number. How did you get access?
- Only few people have this privilege of calling me but you abuse it the most
- I am out saving the world, except you need my help in your world, then hang up already
- Hi, hi, hi. Oh that wasn’t the reception, it was me practicing for the party I am going to
- You missed the voicemail today, congratulations
- Hello, first the headlines. Let’s have it
- Guess you were the reason I bought a phone after all cause the number of times you have called me in this life is appalling
- You are the lucky winner of today’s lottery. Your prize is talking with me though. So, how do you want to use it?
Final Thoughts
If you got to this point, there are a few things that I need to point out. These responses are not suited for every conversation.
Answering the phone with these responses are best for when you are speaking with someone who has a sense of humor or isn’t necessarily a superior.
In formal settings, most of these responses will not be tolerated. Hence, it is important to be aware of the context before you use any of them.
When you are talking with your friend, a sibling, a colleague, or a family member, then there might not be too many problems using them.
